I am a terrible blogger..lol..so..I know that this is mostly for me..to try and journal events and thoughts...so..here's todays thoughts and concerns..

I am angry..trying to get over it..but, it's much better than where I was last friday through monday..I was super sad and the tears were flowing non stop.. but today..I feel like I have OCD because one thought will not get out of my head..maybe by putting it on paper per say..will release it..SHE EMBARASSES ME...this coming from someone who I thought should understand my troubled teen..this from someone who raised me and then got a degree in child phsycology...seriously?? I have been upset and sad that Tia doesn't get a normal Christmas..yet again..and she also doesn't get to laugh and joke around with family members...this makes me sad..this is a holiday about family time...so, I asked her why she has never gone to see Tia..she said.."what if someone recognizes me? I don't want them to know she's family....really? and so as I write this I sort of realize that has been part of MY journey...judging and fear of being judged...I think I am getting better at trying to not judge others...you never know unless you have walked in their shoes...you don't know what's behind those sad eyes...but being judged is a tough one....now I think I know where it came from....it's a vicious cycle...did I pass it to my children? Did they ever feel judged by me? I know Tia thinks I do...But I love each one of my kids...I am so blessed to have each one..each one who has a different personality trait..each one ..unconditionally..

Mental illness..it's all over the news right now...when you pass that beggar on the street..who looks healthy and is holding a sign up..you know we all do it..shake our heads..mumble "get a job" ..well..we are not them..is there a mental illness involved? can you see it? are you aware of how much medication costs for mental illness? So when you say they are just gonna buy more liquor..yes, probably..then again..maybe it quiets the voices in that persons head..not that I condone that (buying liquor)..just saying that we all judge that and mental illness is very well hidden...you can't see it...where is the solution? Mental illness is expensive and insurance doesn't cover 90% of it...and even if it does..the co pays for dr visits..sometimes 2-3 a week..the meds.. easily over $500 a month..does minimum wage cover those type of costs? I have rambled enough....

Hello...it's been awhile...it's summer and things change just as quickly as the seasons do...I am blogging to keep a journal of events I guess...isn't it sad when sad things happen I tend to come to this spot....shouldnt it be the other way around?? Well..

Tia has been on the run for a month now...she hasn't contacted me at all..I feel so hurt by this...I don't understand why she has she shut me out...most of the the time this angers me..but the more time that goes by I am overcome by sheer sadness...my hope for her fades each day and I just want to go to bed and sleep til its all over...my heart hurts and I don't sleep well anymore...I get up every few hours to see if theres a missed call on my phone that I might have missed from a blocked number( her)..I want to hear her voice and just make sure she remembers how much I love her...